I don’t know why but I felt compelled to write about this. I just ate a particularly large meal and was feeling bad about it. I feel bad about it because I have leaky gut and chron’s disease and i know that small meals are better for me. But I was really hungry and went for it.
Then I still felt hungry and realized that I must be thirsty. I decided to throw some DGL in the water. DGL stands for degylcerized licorice. deglycerized licorice helps restore gut lining and cuts the half life of cortisol in half. But can I tell ya, dgl scares me. You know why?
Because when I used to live in Boulder, I thought that i was getting very sick from food, including DGL, little did I know, I was getting sick from something in my environment that was making me get sick from food. I tried DGL when I was living in that apartment and had what I thought was a reaction to it and now whenever I have it my body clamps up and gets scared. It is funny how your body can remember things like that. How it can learn to be afraid of things. Now it makes me wonder if DGL really is a problem for me, but I really do not think so, I think I am just scared.
It is so strange to have problems with food though. To really be that scared of a food, you know it’s not really the food that is doing it, there is something emotional happening. A void that is not filled, a hidden fear from your childhood.
What I can say is this, in college, I do not remember being particularly scared, maybe I got scared of a few things, like a scary movie or something, but generally in college I felt very safe and happy. I had amazing friends, V I M we called ourselves. and outside of my group of friends I had other friends, I had a good social life, I enjoyed my classes, I absolutely loved Boulder, I felt safe and happy.
But growing up I did not feel safe and happy and I do not know why. I had a perfectly good childhood, loving parents, two lovely sisters, a roof to sleep under, a nurturing environment through my school. Yet my earliest memories are of me being scared. I was so so scared. It makes me sad. My earliest memory is of me crying in my bed for my mom to come get me. My next memory is of me crawling from the bottom bunk to the top bunk to my sister’s bed because I was scared. I remember going across the hall to my parents room to sleep in their bed with them because I was scared. Then when we moved to a new house and I was bigger, I remember sleeping on the floor of their bedroom. I don’t know why, but for whatever reason I was extremely scared. Was I abused, it I go through some horrific event that I know longer can recall? Was there an environmental toxic effect that played a role in shaping my personality and demeanor from an early age? These are questions that as a person, as a psychology major, that I can’t help but ask. What the hell made me so scared. Why is my earliest memory of me being scared? Did we have a problem with mold in my first house? Is that what started it all along? I don’t think so, and I don’t think it helps to know, but it does make me curious.
And now, as a 25 year old I am no longer living in an environment that is making me sick (I hope), but since being in Chicago I have regressed back to that frightened little girl that used to crawl up to her sisters bed at night when she was scared (i don’t crawl into anyone’s beds these days), but I’m scared.. of every thing. I don’t know what the fuck happened but it’s true, I am.
Something spooked me, and when it was first suggested that I had leaky gut and several food intolerances aside from gluten and dairy, I clung to that, I clung to that hard. I then I got scared of it. I became obsessive about what I was eating and became so freightened to eat because I thought that food was making me sick. But it wasn’t food, it was something in my environment. It is such an odd feeling to be so scared of food, I guess the fact that things that are supposed to be medicine to us can make us feel so awful is kind of scary and bizarre to me. Well, that’s all I have for now. When I start writing, I am always pleasantly surprised, because my writing never takes me to where I thought. I hope you enjoy this, whoever you are.